![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Something odd has happened at work over the last few months: I've been kind of enjoying it.
We just started on a very large, 5 year, 7+ country software development project, to replace and integrate and bunch of old packages that desperately need replacing. We're doing Scrum (about which I really need to make a dedicated post) for the first time as a company, and for the first time for most of us personally. It's big and crazy -- and I've ended up largely in charge of the testing infrastructure of the whole thing. Which is perplexing. And a bit scary. And it, turns out, really good for my engagement at work. It feels a lot like when I finally got to college and immediately started paying full attention in class for the first time in my life. With no perceptible increase in effort, I was suddenly getting really good grades, "living up to my potential". Like then I've leveled up somehow, and even when work is a bit boring, it isn't depressing. I already considered this one of the best jobs I've ever had, so this extra increase is quite amazing.
It also helps -- a lot -- that I'm no longer driving into work every day. Those of us from north Seattle started a vanpool, which has been going for about 6 weeks now. It's so great! I even get a free bus pass from the deal! I bus down to meet them around 65th, so I get a nice walk and bus commute along with HOV lane privleges and not having to drive. This both removes a major stressor from my life and adds back a lifestyle component I had sorely missed. I'm just happier when I have some walking and busing in my life. I like being stuck out in the rain and the cold a bit, being forced to deal with weird strangers. That's reality, and I don't like being compeltely cut off from it.
The end result is... I'm really very content. Which I'm finding I don't know how to handle very well. It's really super dumb, but I kind of miss having that edge of depression. I'm having a lot more trouble finding motivation to get cool stuff done. Entire weeks are going smoothly, serenely by where I don't work on anything interesting. It's disconcerting. I'm not sure this even makes any sense, though, as it reduces to "I'm happier when I'm not happy", which doesn't seem like a logical conclusion. Generally seems like a really stupid thing to complain about. I probably just need to learn some actual discipline when it comes to working on personal projects, since I can no longer rely on the threat of crippling depression to get me out in the shop.
We just started on a very large, 5 year, 7+ country software development project, to replace and integrate and bunch of old packages that desperately need replacing. We're doing Scrum (about which I really need to make a dedicated post) for the first time as a company, and for the first time for most of us personally. It's big and crazy -- and I've ended up largely in charge of the testing infrastructure of the whole thing. Which is perplexing. And a bit scary. And it, turns out, really good for my engagement at work. It feels a lot like when I finally got to college and immediately started paying full attention in class for the first time in my life. With no perceptible increase in effort, I was suddenly getting really good grades, "living up to my potential". Like then I've leveled up somehow, and even when work is a bit boring, it isn't depressing. I already considered this one of the best jobs I've ever had, so this extra increase is quite amazing.
It also helps -- a lot -- that I'm no longer driving into work every day. Those of us from north Seattle started a vanpool, which has been going for about 6 weeks now. It's so great! I even get a free bus pass from the deal! I bus down to meet them around 65th, so I get a nice walk and bus commute along with HOV lane privleges and not having to drive. This both removes a major stressor from my life and adds back a lifestyle component I had sorely missed. I'm just happier when I have some walking and busing in my life. I like being stuck out in the rain and the cold a bit, being forced to deal with weird strangers. That's reality, and I don't like being compeltely cut off from it.
The end result is... I'm really very content. Which I'm finding I don't know how to handle very well. It's really super dumb, but I kind of miss having that edge of depression. I'm having a lot more trouble finding motivation to get cool stuff done. Entire weeks are going smoothly, serenely by where I don't work on anything interesting. It's disconcerting. I'm not sure this even makes any sense, though, as it reduces to "I'm happier when I'm not happy", which doesn't seem like a logical conclusion. Generally seems like a really stupid thing to complain about. I probably just need to learn some actual discipline when it comes to working on personal projects, since I can no longer rely on the threat of crippling depression to get me out in the shop.
no subject
Make time. Put it on your calendar, set alarms on your phone, something, so that you have a structured time, even if it's short, to build odd things.
Depression does an awful lot for motivation, and once it's gone, keeping up the productivity is tricky. Look at Trent Reznor. Or, well, this was the whole point of the Connie Willis book Bellwether.