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March 25th, 2011

gfish: (Default)
Friday, March 25th, 2011 10:16 am
Something odd has happened at work over the last few months: I've been kind of enjoying it.

We just started on a very large, 5 year, 7+ country software development project, to replace and integrate and bunch of old packages that desperately need replacing. We're doing Scrum (about which I really need to make a dedicated post) for the first time as a company, and for the first time for most of us personally. It's big and crazy -- and I've ended up largely in charge of the testing infrastructure of the whole thing. Which is perplexing. And a bit scary. And it, turns out, really good for my engagement at work. It feels a lot like when I finally got to college and immediately started paying full attention in class for the first time in my life. With no perceptible increase in effort, I was suddenly getting really good grades, "living up to my potential". Like then I've leveled up somehow, and even when work is a bit boring, it isn't depressing. I already considered this one of the best jobs I've ever had, so this extra increase is quite amazing.

It also helps -- a lot -- that I'm no longer driving into work every day. Those of us from north Seattle started a vanpool, which has been going for about 6 weeks now. It's so great! I even get a free bus pass from the deal! I bus down to meet them around 65th, so I get a nice walk and bus commute along with HOV lane privleges and not having to drive. This both removes a major stressor from my life and adds back a lifestyle component I had sorely missed. I'm just happier when I have some walking and busing in my life. I like being stuck out in the rain and the cold a bit, being forced to deal with weird strangers. That's reality, and I don't like being compeltely cut off from it.

The end result is... I'm really very content. Which I'm finding I don't know how to handle very well. It's really super dumb, but I kind of miss having that edge of depression. I'm having a lot more trouble finding motivation to get cool stuff done. Entire weeks are going smoothly, serenely by where I don't work on anything interesting. It's disconcerting. I'm not sure this even makes any sense, though, as it reduces to "I'm happier when I'm not happy", which doesn't seem like a logical conclusion. Generally seems like a really stupid thing to complain about. I probably just need to learn some actual discipline when it comes to working on personal projects, since I can no longer rely on the threat of crippling depression to get me out in the shop.