...when it rains...

[gfish]

Something odd has happened at work over the last few months: I've been kind of enjoying it.

We just started on a very large, 5 year, 7+ country software development project, to replace and integrate and bunch of old packages that desperately need replacing. We're doing Scrum (about which I really need to make a dedicated post) for the first time as a company, and for the first time for most of us personally. It's big and crazy -- and I've ended up largely in charge of the testing infrastructure of the whole thing. Which is perplexing. And a bit scary. And it, turns out, really good for my engagement at work. It feels a lot like when I finally got to college and immediately started paying full attention in class for the first time in my life. With no perceptible increase in effort, I was suddenly getting really good grades, "living up to my potential". Like then I've leveled up somehow, and even when work is a bit boring, it isn't depressing. I already considered this one of the best jobs I've ever had, so this extra increase is quite amazing.

It also helps -- a lot -- that I'm no longer driving into work every day. Those of us from north Seattle started a vanpool, which has been going for about 6 weeks now. It's so great! I even get a free bus pass from the deal! I bus down to meet them around 65th, so I get a nice walk and bus commute along with HOV lane privleges and not having to drive. This both removes a major stressor from my life and adds back a lifestyle component I had sorely missed. I'm just happier when I have some walking and busing in my life. I like being stuck out in the rain and the cold a bit, being forced to deal with weird strangers. That's reality, and I don't like being compeltely cut off from it.

The end result is... I'm really very content. Which I'm finding I don't know how to handle very well. It's really super dumb, but I kind of miss having that edge of depression. I'm having a lot more trouble finding motivation to get cool stuff done. Entire weeks are going smoothly, serenely by where I don't work on anything interesting. It's disconcerting. I'm not sure this even makes any sense, though, as it reduces to "I'm happier when I'm not happy", which doesn't seem like a logical conclusion. Generally seems like a really stupid thing to complain about. I probably just need to learn some actual discipline when it comes to working on personal projects, since I can no longer rely on the threat of crippling depression to get me out in the shop.

Comments

[vixyish.livejournal.com]

I could start showering less, or singing really loudly off-key, or something.

[gfish.livejournal.com]

I have the most helpful, understanding wife in the entire world!

[keystricken.livejournal.com]

I probably just need to learn some actual discipline when it comes to working on personal projects, since I can no longer rely on the threat of crippling depression to get me out in the shop.

In my experience, depression is a pretty fickle muse -- I might pound away at projects to make something feel good in my life, or I might just sleep for 10-12 hours every night (and still feel tired in the morning). Usually I alternate between the two. But yeah, I definitely get where you're coming from.

I know we talked about this a little bit while you were visiting, but my most powerful motivators include: having an audience, having a deadline that a friend cares about, and surrounding myself with people who are all about 20% cooler than I am. If they're 50% cooler then I feel too outclassed to impress them; the trick is to find the point where I can't just coast along on native talent.

Also, hey, don't stress out too much about letting days go by without hiding away in the shop. We call that "living." :) You have a marvelous wife and household and you live in one of the best US cities! Your shop will still be waiting for you when you get back.

[gfish.livejournal.com]

I'm more of the insomnia depression type, either directly or by pulling all-nighters working on projects to stay sane. Annoying in its own way, but convenient at times.

It's a totally self-indulgent thing for me to worry about, I know. Just a weird new thing I have to get used to, more than anything else.

[keystricken.livejournal.com]

Oh damn, I didn't mean to imply you should stop worrying because "shut up, your life is good". I'm sorry about that. I wrestle with these same issues all the time, and just wanted to offer a little encouragement as a fellow project-minded person. (I'm going to a board game night and a dumb pretty movie this weekend, and I can't help feeling a little guilty that I'm leaving my lumber behind.)

[solarbird]

Something odd has happened at work over the last few months: I've been kind of enjoying it.
Awesome. ^_^

It also helps -- a lot -- that I'm no longer driving into work every day.
At times when I'd have to drive to Microsoft for a week or so at a time, I always found my moods in general getting worse. I hate driving commutes and won't do them.

I kind of miss having that edge of depression. I'm having a lot more trouble finding motivation to get cool stuff done... I probably just need to learn some actual discipline when it comes to working on personal projects, since I can no longer rely on the threat of crippling depression to get me out in the shop.
hooooooooooooo, wow, okay. I didn't know that was a factor in your life.

Depending upon how much you've been relying on this to get you motivated, this could be difficult to find a replacement. It took me a couple of years to get it figured out at all, and it doesn't translate from person to person. So if you find you've been relying on that a lot, and that it's difficult to find new and better/positive motivations, don't start piling that on yourself because that doesn't really work. And also, it's not a failing. This can take a while. I hope it doesn't take you the kind of time it took for me.

[jhitchin.livejournal.com]

I love the bus. At least here on the east side, when I used to work near Kirkland Park Place, I'd take the 248 every morning, get a walk into work, get to read for about twenty minutes. No stress. Loved it.

[peteralway.livejournal.com]

I doubt you are genetically capable of singing off-key.

[tylik.livejournal.com]

I like having a schedule, in terms of trying to make sure I put time into the things I want to put time into. (Of course, there's always a ton of stuff hovering above the next field. But if nothing else it forces me to prioritize.)

Having a schedule that involves a lot of being awake when other people aren't also seems to help.

[randomdreams.livejournal.com]

So totally, totally understand.
Make time. Put it on your calendar, set alarms on your phone, something, so that you have a structured time, even if it's short, to build odd things.

Depression does an awful lot for motivation, and once it's gone, keeping up the productivity is tricky. Look at Trent Reznor. Or, well, this was the whole point of the Connie Willis book Bellwether.

[randomdreams.livejournal.com]

"There *are* no wrong notes" -- Miles Davis

[gfish.livejournal.com]

Oh no, I didn't take that from what you said. I'm just pre-emptively self-deprecating. :)