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Starting some time in high school, I drank a caffeinated beverage every morning. I don't remember exactly when this started, but I know by my junior year I was making french press regularly and taking it to school in a giant insulated mug. By my freshman year of undergrad, I considered myself addicted, in that I'd get an annoying headache later in the day if I didn't have caffeine early enough. And that's how things stood for a long time. I'd use caffeine for all-nighters, but mostly it was just a background thing, a minor physical need that was easily met.
Around the time I turned 25, I noticed my hands were starting to shake. This was deeply alarming, as my grandmother died of ALS. I saw a doctor, who immediately dismissed it as a side-effect of caffeine. So I stopped drinking it on a regular basis. There was a couple days of headaches, but other than that it was just a mild annoyance, limiting the sodas I could drink and leading to worse (on average) coffee in restaurants. But other than a small blow to my self image as a caffeine-fueled hacker type, it really wasn't a big deal.
But while I had stopped drinking it on a cyclical basis, I still found myself ingesting quite a bit. It was always around, hard to avoid, and still useful for patching over the failures of my sleeping habits. That is, I hate sleeping and like staying up late. Sometimes getting stuff done, sometimes not. Night has always been my time, after everyone else has gone to sleep and I have the house to myself. The night, as some might say, holds the key. I was also getting increasingly bored/depressed with my job during this period, leading me to seek more self-worth through external productivity. My startup attempts Navling and Obsphere were during this period, basically second full-time jobs I was working on. In short, I was regularly getting < 4 hours of sleep a night, and caffeine was what I used to make that more or less work. And while I never got to the point of obvious physical addiction again, the side-effects came back. A couple days of caffeine in a row were enough to cause hand shaking again. And worse, it was losing its sleep-fighting properties. At one point, caffeine in the afternoon would actually make me horribly sleepy. So I cut back again. I never dropped it, but I kept my intake down to about once a week. That's the lowest I've ever managed to keep things for any length of time. Even while canoing the Mackenzie, having taken no caffeinated supplies with us, hundreds of miles from anything, I ended up drinking coffee and Coke.
That's more or less where things still stand. And over the last year, I've come to an unsettling conclusion. There is a very strong pattern that when I have some caffeine, I have a lot. Since, once I know insomnia is on the way, I might as well take advantage of it and binge on my treasured, lamented beverages (anything coffee based, chai, Thai iced tea...). At first I thought this was just a quirky, if more or less logical response to the situation. I've since come to realize that the compulsion is stronger. I really am addicted to caffeine. Not in the jokey ha-ha-aren't-I-a-crazy-programmer sense, or even the mild physical dependency sense. I am addicted in the big-A sense of the word. I need it. I miss it all the time when I don't have it. It's a struggle every single day not to have the very, very good coffee always on tap at work. Thankfully I'm addicted to a fairly benign, cheap and legal substance. But to call it something other than an addiction would be dishonest. I'm not sure what to do with that realization, but there it is.
Around the time I turned 25, I noticed my hands were starting to shake. This was deeply alarming, as my grandmother died of ALS. I saw a doctor, who immediately dismissed it as a side-effect of caffeine. So I stopped drinking it on a regular basis. There was a couple days of headaches, but other than that it was just a mild annoyance, limiting the sodas I could drink and leading to worse (on average) coffee in restaurants. But other than a small blow to my self image as a caffeine-fueled hacker type, it really wasn't a big deal.
But while I had stopped drinking it on a cyclical basis, I still found myself ingesting quite a bit. It was always around, hard to avoid, and still useful for patching over the failures of my sleeping habits. That is, I hate sleeping and like staying up late. Sometimes getting stuff done, sometimes not. Night has always been my time, after everyone else has gone to sleep and I have the house to myself. The night, as some might say, holds the key. I was also getting increasingly bored/depressed with my job during this period, leading me to seek more self-worth through external productivity. My startup attempts Navling and Obsphere were during this period, basically second full-time jobs I was working on. In short, I was regularly getting < 4 hours of sleep a night, and caffeine was what I used to make that more or less work. And while I never got to the point of obvious physical addiction again, the side-effects came back. A couple days of caffeine in a row were enough to cause hand shaking again. And worse, it was losing its sleep-fighting properties. At one point, caffeine in the afternoon would actually make me horribly sleepy. So I cut back again. I never dropped it, but I kept my intake down to about once a week. That's the lowest I've ever managed to keep things for any length of time. Even while canoing the Mackenzie, having taken no caffeinated supplies with us, hundreds of miles from anything, I ended up drinking coffee and Coke.
That's more or less where things still stand. And over the last year, I've come to an unsettling conclusion. There is a very strong pattern that when I have some caffeine, I have a lot. Since, once I know insomnia is on the way, I might as well take advantage of it and binge on my treasured, lamented beverages (anything coffee based, chai, Thai iced tea...). At first I thought this was just a quirky, if more or less logical response to the situation. I've since come to realize that the compulsion is stronger. I really am addicted to caffeine. Not in the jokey ha-ha-aren't-I-a-crazy-programmer sense, or even the mild physical dependency sense. I am addicted in the big-A sense of the word. I need it. I miss it all the time when I don't have it. It's a struggle every single day not to have the very, very good coffee always on tap at work. Thankfully I'm addicted to a fairly benign, cheap and legal substance. But to call it something other than an addiction would be dishonest. I'm not sure what to do with that realization, but there it is.
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For myself, I haven't come up with any answers yet. I drink tea on weekdays and coffee on weekends, sometimes 3-4 expensive cups of coffee per weekend, because I love the coffeeshop ambiance + social outlet + wave of creativity and world-conquering spirit that it offers. These qualia are harder to subtract from my personality than the drawbacks... shaky hands, insomnia and anxiety, and that hint of overconfidence that reminds me a bit of a manic episode. Because of this confusion, it's hard not to like myself more (as a person) when I'm caffeinated than when I'm taking an extended break. This isn't a huge problem, but it is unresolved and I'm not sure what to do about it.
Also, hello! I swear I'm going to respond to your emails one of these days. It doesn't help that your question "Where do you get your ideas?" has me wondering Where do I get them, anyway... and spawning about 4 or 5 highly incomplete answers that I'm now stitching together into a dubious circus sideshow attraction. Coming to an inbox near you!
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I totally understand about liking yourself better that way. I used to call it my 'caffeinated prophet' mode, but 'world-conquering spirit' an excellent way of putting it. That feeling alone is pretty darned addictive. But I suppose that's a pretty common reaction to manic episodes.
And I'm sorry, that was a terribly unfair question to ask of you. I was just awkwardly making conversation, not trying to put you on the spot!
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I really like that phrase, "caffeinated prophet". I wonder if I can fit it into one of my comics this month.
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