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Amendment Royale (AKA I Was Bored)
In a reality not too far from this one...
I was walking home tonight when I was kidnapped. I fought bravely against the chloroform, but eventually I succumbed. Darkness enveloped me.
Consciousness returned slowly and painfully. The chamber I found myself in was poorly lit but not very large, roughly hewn from the living rock. A shadowy figure informed me that I had been taken to an arena far below the surface of the Earth. I had been chosen by random lottery to protect marriage in America through gladiatorial combat. The figure tossed a small hunting knife into the dirt beside me. Before I could say anything a large door in the wall started to creak open. From behind it came a rhythmic chanting. A terrible urge to take decisive and democratic action filled me. I grabbed the knife and charged.
The next few hours are only a blur of blood and pain. With each opponent my strength waned, but I always managed to win. Finally I found myself in the final contest, against a fearsome activist judge. I dodged his war-gavel again and again, but my feeble attacks never came close to wounding him. He laughed a cruel laugh as he landed a blow that knocked me into the wall. The last thing I saw was the gore dripping from his robes as he approached my crumpled body.
I awoke, surprised to be alive. Stern voices announced that I had failed, and that the most fundamental institution of civilization was no more. Without it the very stability of society had evaporated. My abductors said that normally I would be executed for my failure, but they were too busy smoking crack and sodomizing each other, what with the collapse of all standards of decency and all. I stumbled out into the night, lamenting the passing of a great people.
IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU
I was walking home tonight when I was kidnapped. I fought bravely against the chloroform, but eventually I succumbed. Darkness enveloped me.
Consciousness returned slowly and painfully. The chamber I found myself in was poorly lit but not very large, roughly hewn from the living rock. A shadowy figure informed me that I had been taken to an arena far below the surface of the Earth. I had been chosen by random lottery to protect marriage in America through gladiatorial combat. The figure tossed a small hunting knife into the dirt beside me. Before I could say anything a large door in the wall started to creak open. From behind it came a rhythmic chanting. A terrible urge to take decisive and democratic action filled me. I grabbed the knife and charged.
The next few hours are only a blur of blood and pain. With each opponent my strength waned, but I always managed to win. Finally I found myself in the final contest, against a fearsome activist judge. I dodged his war-gavel again and again, but my feeble attacks never came close to wounding him. He laughed a cruel laugh as he landed a blow that knocked me into the wall. The last thing I saw was the gore dripping from his robes as he approached my crumpled body.
I awoke, surprised to be alive. Stern voices announced that I had failed, and that the most fundamental institution of civilization was no more. Without it the very stability of society had evaporated. My abductors said that normally I would be executed for my failure, but they were too busy smoking crack and sodomizing each other, what with the collapse of all standards of decency and all. I stumbled out into the night, lamenting the passing of a great people.
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