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CNN: Franks: Saddam government an 'ex-regime'"
A general enters a press conference.
General Franks: 'Ello, I wish to declare a victory.
(The Information Minister does not respond.)
Gen. Franks: 'Ello, Miss?
Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf: What do you mean "miss"?
Gen. Franks: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to declare victory!
Saeed al-Sahaf: I'd be glad to accept your surrender.
Gen. Franks: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to declare victory over this regime what I defeated not 3 days ago in this very city.
Saeed al-Sahaf: Oh yes, the, uh, the Iraqi Axis of Evil...What's, uh...What's up with it?
Gen. Franks: I'll tell you what's up with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's up with it!
Saeed al-Sahaf: No, no, it's, uh...it's resting.
Gen. Franks: Look, matey, I know a dead regime when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Saeed al-Sahaf: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable regime, this Iraqi Axis, idn'it, ay? Terrifying oppression!
Gen. Franks: The oppression don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Saeed al-Sahaf: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
Gen. Franks: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (yelling at a fallen statue) 'Ello, Mister Saddam! I've got some defenseless Kurds for you to gas if you show...
(Information Minister makes a shooting noise and ducks)
Saeed al-Sahaf: There, someone shot at you!
Gen. Franks: No, no one did, that was you going 'bang'!
Saeed al-Sahaf: I never!!
Gen. Franks: Yes, you did!
Saeed al-Sahaf: I never, never did anything...
Gen. Franks: (yelling and kicking the statue repeatedly) 'ELLO SADDAM!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Has a marine wrap an American flag around the statue's head and drag it around Baghdad)
Gen. Franks: Now that's what I call a dead regime.
Saeed al-Sahaf: No, no.....No, it's luring your into a false sense of security!
Gen. Franks: LURING ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY?!?
Saeed al-Sahaf: Yeah! It's waiting for its moment, just as you think everything is safe. Axes of Evil are very crafty, major.
Gen. Franks: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That regime is definitely deceased, and when I defeated it not three days ago, you assured me that its total lack of crushing us infidels was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged crackdown on Shi'ite militants.
Saeed al-Sahaf: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the destruction of the zionist invaders.
Gen. Franks: PININ' for the DESTRUCTION of the ZIONIST INVADERS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on his back the moment I rolled into Baghdad?
Saeed al-Sahaf: The Iraqi Axis prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable regime, id'nit, squire? Terrifying oppression!
Gen. Franks: Look, I took the liberty of examining that regime when I got here, and I discovered the only reason that it had been in power for so long in the first place was that it had been given conventional, chemical AND biological weapons in the 80s by the United States.
(pause)
Saeed al-Sahaf: Well, o'course it was supported by the great satan! Now that we have nuzzled up to the zionist infidels, we will tear them apart with our Republican Guard, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Gen. Franks: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this regime wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Saeed al-Sahaf: No no! It's pining!
Gen. Franks: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This regime is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If we hadn't funneled it support it'd be pushing up the daisies! It's consigned to the pages of 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-REGIME!!
(pause)
Saeed al-Sahaf: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Iraqi regimes.
Gen. Franks: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Saeed al-Sahaf: I got a Syria.
(pause)
Gen. Franks: Pray, does it gas civilians?
Saeed al-Sahaf: Nnnnot really.
Gen. Franks: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Saeed al-Sahaf: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Gen. Franks: Well.
(pause)
Saeed al-Sahaf: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Gen. Franks: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
A general enters a press conference.
General Franks: 'Ello, I wish to declare a victory.
(The Information Minister does not respond.)
Gen. Franks: 'Ello, Miss?
Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf: What do you mean "miss"?
Gen. Franks: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to declare victory!
Saeed al-Sahaf: I'd be glad to accept your surrender.
Gen. Franks: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to declare victory over this regime what I defeated not 3 days ago in this very city.
Saeed al-Sahaf: Oh yes, the, uh, the Iraqi Axis of Evil...What's, uh...What's up with it?
Gen. Franks: I'll tell you what's up with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's up with it!
Saeed al-Sahaf: No, no, it's, uh...it's resting.
Gen. Franks: Look, matey, I know a dead regime when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Saeed al-Sahaf: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable regime, this Iraqi Axis, idn'it, ay? Terrifying oppression!
Gen. Franks: The oppression don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Saeed al-Sahaf: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
Gen. Franks: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (yelling at a fallen statue) 'Ello, Mister Saddam! I've got some defenseless Kurds for you to gas if you show...
(Information Minister makes a shooting noise and ducks)
Saeed al-Sahaf: There, someone shot at you!
Gen. Franks: No, no one did, that was you going 'bang'!
Saeed al-Sahaf: I never!!
Gen. Franks: Yes, you did!
Saeed al-Sahaf: I never, never did anything...
Gen. Franks: (yelling and kicking the statue repeatedly) 'ELLO SADDAM!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Has a marine wrap an American flag around the statue's head and drag it around Baghdad)
Gen. Franks: Now that's what I call a dead regime.
Saeed al-Sahaf: No, no.....No, it's luring your into a false sense of security!
Gen. Franks: LURING ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY?!?
Saeed al-Sahaf: Yeah! It's waiting for its moment, just as you think everything is safe. Axes of Evil are very crafty, major.
Gen. Franks: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That regime is definitely deceased, and when I defeated it not three days ago, you assured me that its total lack of crushing us infidels was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged crackdown on Shi'ite militants.
Saeed al-Sahaf: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the destruction of the zionist invaders.
Gen. Franks: PININ' for the DESTRUCTION of the ZIONIST INVADERS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on his back the moment I rolled into Baghdad?
Saeed al-Sahaf: The Iraqi Axis prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable regime, id'nit, squire? Terrifying oppression!
Gen. Franks: Look, I took the liberty of examining that regime when I got here, and I discovered the only reason that it had been in power for so long in the first place was that it had been given conventional, chemical AND biological weapons in the 80s by the United States.
(pause)
Saeed al-Sahaf: Well, o'course it was supported by the great satan! Now that we have nuzzled up to the zionist infidels, we will tear them apart with our Republican Guard, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Gen. Franks: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this regime wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
Saeed al-Sahaf: No no! It's pining!
Gen. Franks: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This regime is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If we hadn't funneled it support it'd be pushing up the daisies! It's consigned to the pages of 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-REGIME!!
(pause)
Saeed al-Sahaf: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Iraqi regimes.
Gen. Franks: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Saeed al-Sahaf: I got a Syria.
(pause)
Gen. Franks: Pray, does it gas civilians?
Saeed al-Sahaf: Nnnnot really.
Gen. Franks: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Saeed al-Sahaf: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Gen. Franks: Well.
(pause)
Saeed al-Sahaf: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Gen. Franks: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
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I love it.
Ex-regime.
Thought: Oh no, he didn't.
*reads* *almost falls off chair laughing*
Very cool. *grin*